Before knowing God I had no past beliefs except that there was a “higher power”. Growing up we never talked about God except for one time when I was an early teen around a camp fire it had come up, don’t ask me how, we discussed it and I kind of remember us all coming up to the same conclusion/feeling that there was something of a higher power but what exactly we didn’t know. I am pretty sure that they were proud of themselves for not “shoving religion down our throats”. Looking back now I see that they didn’t know the truth or did not know enough themselves so how can they talk about something if they didn’t know what to talk about or how to approach it? Once I got older and had my own child I could see myself going down the same path and repeating the same cycle. I did not want to do that. I did not want to be naive. I wanted to know what this God thing was all about. I wanted to come to my own conclusions. Stop being ignorant and stay in the shadows. Sad thing was, I didn’t even know I was in the shadows.
I started my walk first with the smallest of baby steps to grow comfortable in the unknown. I mean I went to church with my Step Grandmother a couple of times but I was a kid. Once my husband and I decided to go I can remember the feeling of being so nervous the first couple of times walking from the car to the building. Wondering what others will think or say about you. Wondering if you are going to say something stupid because you didn’t know how people spoke or spoke about in church. We went more and more and it took time to feel comfortable hearing the words Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, Christ. I was hearing more and more of Gods truths through the messages. I learned right away that I had walls up. Walls up that I didn’t even know I had. Walls built out of ignorance and society. I knew that I had to keep my mind and heart open if I was ever going to learn what this “Christian” thing was all about. Don’t get me wrong I had help along the way with my husband’s knowledge of growing up going to church, bible studies and friends.
I don’t have a dramatic testimony or an “Ah Hah” moment and I can’t put my finger on one moment like others can when they “found Jesus” or was “born again”. I’m okay with that now. At first I felt like I was doing something wrong. But God knew that I was like a delicate seed and I needed to take my time to get just the right nourishment to grow. I was slowly taking everything in. I was drinking from the living water in small amounts so I wouldn’t be over come and washed away. I was taking my time to grow Fruits of the Holy Spirit. It was a slow and warming process. Like when you are up early enough to watch the sunrise. First you can see the glowing orange over the horizon but it takes a while for the sun to get high enough before the warmth of the sun hits your face and body. But once it does it feels so good and comforting, peaceful.
I have walked out of the shadows and into the morning-glory of God’s light!
BTW, I have read this and revised it about 100 times. Putting yourself out there is scary!